Phan fanfic - Dying is a gift
by mariskooli
Summary: Where Dan is in love with Phil, but can't tell him about it and Phil is frustrated about Dan's behavior.
1. Chapter 1

Dan'd P.O.V

I stared at his eyes, deep blue eyes. They we're like ocean where I could drown everytime I looked them too long. I shooked my head and tried to get rid of those thoughts in my head. They just are not right for me. I can't though like that about him. I looked down at my cereals that Phil wouldn't feel uncomfortable with me staring at his eyes.

"So, do you have any plans for today?" Phil asked. I looked at him. He looked so happy with the big smile on his face while he pour some cereals in his bowl. I thought about an anwser for a while before i shooked mu head again. I kept my look down again trying to avoid Phil's look. "Great. I Thought we could go get some coffee with Chris and PJ, they said-"

"Thanks but no thanks", I said coldly cutting off Phil in the middle of a sentence. I didn't even look at him as I stood up and went to my room shutting the door after me.

I smashed down to my bed and buried my head in to my pillow. This isn't fair. Phil doesn't have a clue what's going on, and I can't tell him anything. The truth is just haunting me, and I can't hide it anymore. I can't just go to coffee with Chris, PJ and Phil, I can't just smile with them like nothing would be wrong. Cause I don't know how long I can keep it together, how long I can keep smiling when my smile is already cracking in front of Phil.

Phil's P.O.V

I watched how Dan just went to his room and shut the door after him. He acted just bit too wierd, he normaly wouldn't say no just like that. And it's not just about today, it has going along for a while now. I left my cereals and went to Dan's door. "Dan, would you like to talk to me?" I asked trought the door.

"Why?" hes voice cracked and I knew somethinf was wrong. Dan wouldn't act like this if nothing wouldn't be wrong. I'm not stupid. Everybody with eyes could see the facts. I opened the door to see Dan on the bed, hes face buried in the pillow.

"Dan, are you okay?" I asked quietly, almost whispering. I couldn't hear any anwser, so I sat next to Dan on the bed. He looked up at me. Hes eyes filled with fear and sadness, like no one could help him. "Dan, why are you like this? Avoiding me?"

"Please, go away", he said and triedn to hold on the tears.

"Dan, this isn't fair. You don't tell me anything anymore, you just hide in your shell and never let anyone break it. While ago I thought I knew you, but I think I'm wrong", I said letting everything out and just waited Dan's reaction.

"Go away", he said again. I stood up an left the room shutting the door after me. If Dan don't let me help him, I can't help him. That's just the way it is.


	2. Chapter 2

Dan's P.O.V

Maybe I should be more friendly with Phil. He can clearly see through me, even I don't want him to see. He knows me too well. He did know me, but doesn't anymore. Even I don't know who I am anymore.

I stood up and tried to clear things up in my head while I walked to my closet. I opened it and took some of my clothes from there. I picked up my bag under the bed and shoved the clothes in there. I can't clear my head in here 'cause Phil was in here. I don't know what Phil would say that when he comes home, I'm not here. I packed my laptop and some crap in the bag and then just left the flat. I didn't even look back.

I got to the train station and decided to call my mom. She wouldn't mind if I would be coming over for a few days. I stared at my phone for a while, thinking an excuse. I couldn't tell her that I 'm coming home because I can't stand watching how Phil was happy, and I wasn't. Watching how Phil was happy with the situation, and I wasn't, 'cause I wanted to be the reason why Phil was happy. But i wasn't, and that made me sad. That made me depressed.

Phil's P.O.V

I opened the door and and stepped inside. I didn't hear Dan's voice, so I thought he was in his room. I went in the livingroom and started to watch something boring from the TV. I missed the days when me and Dan could just sit here and play spyro together, just laughing and enjoying. I don't want that to be just a memory.

I stood up and turned off the TV. I walked to Dan's door, knocked and waited. I heard nothing. I tried again and this time I opened the door finding empty room. Dan wasn't home. I stared at the empty room and then took my phone aout of my pocket. I tried to call to Dan but it always went to the answering machine.

"Where the fuck is Dan?" I asked to my self and decided to just wait. Dan can't be away forever. And he is adult already, I don't need to watch his every step. I made myself some coffee and picked up my laptop. Maybe I could edit my latest video and after that I could worry about Dan again.

Dan's P.O.V

"It is lovely to see you again", my mom said and hugged me as soon as she saw me. She was almost strangled me, but I didn't care. I leaned my head on her shoulder and tried to put myself together before she let go and I smiled at her. Usually the smile was easy to put on, but now it was just harder every time. "How have you been?"

"Great, nothing but great", I convinced to her and to myself at the same time. I stepped inside to the house and left my bag at the door. My mom looked at it questioningly.

"So you're not going to stay long?" she asked and looked back at me raising an eyebrow. I looked down at my bag too and tried to smile a bit more. Then I shook my head.

"No, sorry. This is just a short visiting", I answered and took off my jacket. Mom just nodded an told me that I could come to dinner as soon as I got my bag upstairs. I went to upstairs to my old room, witch was still the same. Nothing had changed.

I threw my bag on the corner and sat on the bed. I picked up my phone from my pocket. There was a few calls from Phil, but I wasn't interested to caal back. I just sended him a message an told him that I was in Manchester. I got an answer almost immediately, but didn't even want to answer. I left my phone on the bed and went to downstairs to get some dinner.

Phil's P.O.V

Dan was acting even more strangely. He left without telling me, just like that. What the hell was wrong with him? And he's not answering my calls or texts. I have no connection with him. He could just tell me the truth, he's torturing me with the lies he always tells me. And only thing what I want to hear from him is the truth.

I try to call Dan for a few time again and then I decide to just give up. I would be the last person to know the truth. Dan is avoiding me, he hates me.

I shuffled to my room and fell on the bed. I didn't want to think about Dan, but it was the only thing that I had on my mind. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but it was impossible. I thought he was my best friend, but now it felt so distant, like I wouldn't know him anymore.

Dan's P.O.V

I hated this. It had been only two days and I was already back in London. I had decided what I should do and I hoped it really was the right thing to do. I just wasn't really sure how I would bring the thing up, and what would be Phil's reaction.

I opened the door to our flat and stepped inside. I could hear the TV's sounds from the livingroom, so I Knew Phil was home. I closed the door and heard how TV went off. Phil had heard me coming in. He came behind the corner and stared at me for a while, showing no emotions at all. I started already regret my decision immediately, I couldn't do this to Phil.

"Hi", I said and put my bag down on the floor.

"What the fuck Dan?" Phil asked before I even got to explain. "You just left and didn't tell me about it? You're all the time avoiding me, acting almost like I'm not here. You aren't yourself anymore", he continued and looked me in the eyes. Those blue eyes, I had missed them. Phil looked so betrayed, so lost in the thoughts of his own mind. "Where is the Dan that i Knew?" He looked down, like he was trying to hide his tears.

"Phil, I'm still here."

"No you're not!" Phil shouted at me. He looked me again, his eyes filled with anger and sadness. "You are nothing like the Dan I knew! You hate me, and I don't know why and you don't tell me! You are too quiet to be the Dan I knew, you are just not Dan", Phil said and turned around. I didn't expect that kind of reaction from him.

"Dan, wait", I said and grabbed his hand. "I wanna explain. I need to explain", I said an Phil stopped. He still didn't look at me, but I led him to the livingroom and put him down to the couch to sit.

"You should explain very fucking good", Phil muttered and looked at the floor. I sighed.

"The reason why i've been avoiding you, and hadn't talked to you much, is because", I couldn't end my sentence. "I son't know how to say this. I don't know how I ended up like this. I wanted to tell you before, but I didn't know how you would react, I'm just afraid that-"

"Just tell the truth for God's sake", Phil said impatiently. I sat down next to him and took his hand in my hand. I looked at his blue eyed again. "Phil, I'm in love with you."


	3. Chapter 3

Phil's P.O.V

"Yo-You're joking", I stuttered. I refused to believe what Dan just said. He can't be serious, he just can't. "Tell me you're joking", I said as Dan's head went down. He shook his head.

"I'm not joking" Dan said and I knew he was scared to look me in the eyes. I took my hand from Dan's hand and looked him terrified. I stood up quickly and turned around. "Phil, I'm sorry, I just can't-"

"Shut up!" I shouted at Dan without looking at him. I went to my room an locked the door. I never lock my door from Dan. He was always welcome to my room, but now I just needed some space, time to think things through.

I sat down on the bed and I realized that my hands were shaking. I needed to calm down, but I just didn't know how. Why would Dan say anything like that? If it was true, how long he had loved me? No, it couldn't be true. It just can't be true. If he loved me, why was he avoiding me? Because he didn't want me to know? Was that the reason? So was he lying to me the whole time? Always that fake smile on his face, empty eyes with no emotions, the laughs without happines and joy. But why? All that because he was in love with me? I don't have a clue what I should do, what I should say. I didn't hate Dan, I could never hate him. I just didin't felt like that. I didn't love Dan that way, like he loved me.

I heard another door closing, but I didn't care. I layed my head down and took a pillow on my hands. I stared at it and put it on my face. Why this had to be so complicated?

Dan's P.O.V

Well now I was sure that Phil hated me. I felt how few tears rolled down on my cheek, but I wiped it off quickly. I didn't want to cry. I buried my face in to my hands and tried to hold on my tears. I was pathetic little crybaby. I was weak and vulnerable. I shook my head and stood up. I wanted to go to sleep. I wanted to forget the things that happened today. I wanted to forget everything.

I walked to my room and shut the door behind me. I fell down on to my bed and closed my eyes. I wasn't afraid of nightmares. Reality was my nightmare. Phil leaving was my nightmare. If he leaves, I can't stand it. I would broke in to thousand pieces like a glass.

I woke up at the sound of Phil in the shower. He was still here. Maybe he wasn't talking to me, and he probably hated me, but he was still here. I stood up and looked myself quickly, deciding that I should go to shower too. I opened the door and went to the kitchen. I made some tea, waiting my turn to go to shower.

Finally Phil came out, but he didn't even look at me. He went straight to his room and locked it. I sighed and went to the shower. It would be frustrating to try and talk to him. He clearly wasn't ready to talk about our situation. I wasn't sure was I ready to talk about it. Guess we both needed time to think about everything.

Phil's P.O.V

I got my clothes on and my hair fixed. I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat anything. I just got out of our flat and run down the stairs. I should tell Dan how the situation really is. That I don't feel the same. I just couldn't. I wanted to think something else, something that would take my mind off Dan. I tried to push Dan out off my mind. It wasn't easy, but I was able to do it. Somehow.

I went to starbucks and ordered one coffee. I sat down and took my phone out of my pocket. I scrolled down my twitter, bit of bored, and then scrolled down some of the comments on my latest video. I got it in youtube while Dan was in Manchester, and I was pretty proud of the video. It wasn't anything special, just a video, but I was still proud of it.

Dan's P.O.V

Phil had left, but I didn't want to just stay inside with my own self-pity. I knew already I was depressed, but I didn't want to make it worse in here. I took my jacket and walked out the door. I put my jacket on while I stepped down the stairs. I wasn't sure where I was going. Maybe to starbucks, maybe to park, I didn't know. Somewhere, just getting some fresh air.

Should I talk to Phil, or should I wait for Phil to talk to me? Or should I just leave? Was Phil waiting for me to leave the house? Or did he want me to stay? No of course he didn't want me to stay, was I stupid for even thinking about that? He can't even stand me in the same room. I lifted up my head and looked around me. I came in to the park, there wasn't much people in there.

I stopped immediately as I saw Phil at the other side of the park. He was laughing with some girl. He had fun without me. He wasn't clearly thinking of me. Why would he? He hated me, and I was stupid for getting my hopes up all the time. Phil would never love me and I just needed to understand that. Then I saw it. He kissed the girl. Or the girl kissed Phil, I didn't care. I turned around and started to walk back to the flat. Phil clearly wanted me to leave.


	4. Chapter 4

Phil's P.O.V

I stepped inside the flat, pretty confused. I wasn't able to think, I was just numb and I wanted to go to sleep. I wanted to see a great dream about a beach where I could do whatever I wanted. A beach that would never end. Never.

I saw few bags on the floor next to the door. Then I heard a noise, Dan was home. I went to Dan's door, which was open. I saw how Dan packed his stuff in boxes and bags.

"Dan, what the hell are you doing?" I asked even more confused. Was he leaving? Dan looked bit scared as he looked at me, but he didn't say anything. He turned away and continued packing. "Dan, answer me" I said and walked over to Dan's bed.

"Why?" he asked and looked at me. His brown eyes were still scared, but why? I looked around and I realized Dan had packed almost all his stuff already. I looked Dan again and now his gaze looked down, on his hands.

"Why are you packing? Are you planning to leave me?" I asked. I was really afraid that Dan would leave me. He is my best friend and meaby he was in love with me, but I didn't care. I didin't want to lose him, that would be too much. That is a thing I can't handle. Dan started packing again his clothes in the bags.

"Yes, I'm leaving."

"But why?" Dan looked like he wasn't listening me, he went to his closet again and took more clothes from there to pack them in the bags. "Dan, you need to fucking answer me!" I shouted at him and he lifted his gaze to me. He was surprised, scared and confused.

"'Cause you hate me! You don't want me to be in here, I know that and I can do something about it", he said and took the bag and went to the hall. I stared at the other almost packed bag and followed Dan to the hall. He tried to pass me, but I stopped him. "What are you doing?" he asked and I heard anger in his voice.

"I'm stopping you, you can't leave", I said , but he just pulled me away and went pack to his room. I went to the door. "Dan, why do you think I hate you?" I asked and leaned to the door frame.

"'Cause I love you", he muttered quietly. I sighed and tried to look him in the eyes, which was difficult, 'cause he looked down on the floor. "And you think I'm crazy freak gay, who shouldn't deserve to live", he continued almost whispering. I saw few tears rolling down on his cheek.

"Dan, don't cry" I begged and sat down on to the bed beside him. "I don't hate you, please just listen to me", I said. Dan just buried his face in his hands. "Just don't leave, you are still my best friend."

"What do you mean? You clearly hate me. You don't talk to me, and this time it's you who's avoiding me. Not me avoiding you", he said, but didn't look at me. His voice was almost cracking, and I didn't like that. I didn't want him to cry because of me. I didn't want to be the reason that he was depressed. I didn't want to see him like that. Not my best friend.

"I just needed to clear things up, but i don't hate you. And today, I wasn't avoiding you. I just wasn't hungry and went to get some coffee from starbucks by myself", I tried to explain to Dan. He was clearly broken from the inside. "Please Dan, I don't want you to leave, just help me to get your stuff back in here."

Dan'd P.O.V

I stared at the clock. It was already 4.30 in the morning, and I wasn't sleepy. All the things were just staying in my mind, and I couldn't sleep because of that. I wasn't sure how I could live like this. Phil wanted to be just friends. Best friends, and I still wanted more. I wanted him to be my boyfriend, but it was impossible. He would never love person like this.

I stood up from the bed and walked in front of the mirror and rubbed my eyes. I looked at myself, just feeling how I was depressing even more. I could see why Phil didn't like me that way. I could see why nobody liked me that way. Even I didn't like me that way. I hated that I hated myself. I didn't like anything about myself, even if I wanted to.

I walked to the kitchen, hoping that Phil wouldn't wake up if I made some coffee for myself. I sat down on the breakfast bar and took a cup for me. I felt sick, I felt I could throw up, but nothing would come out.

"Dan, what the hell are you doing up at this time in the morning?" I heard Phil's voice and looked bit scared as I turned around. Phil looked sleepy and he was rubbing his blue eyes to keep himself awake.

"I couldn't sleep", I confessed and looked at the empty cup in front of me. I poured myself some coffee and drank it while Phil sat down. I knew I couldn't sleep, so what's the point to even try?

"And you're drinking coffee?" Phil asked. His voice was cute 'cause he was sleepy. Fuck. I couldn't think like this. This isn't right. "Well then, I could pour some coffee for myself too", Phil said and stood up.

"You don't have to, you're tired, go to slepp", I said without looking at Phil.

"You should sleep too", he said. I just nodded, didn't really care about my sleep. If I could go to sleep, I would wake up in an hour. "You haven't sleep in a long time, I know that", he continued when I didn't say anything. "Just come to sleep with me."

"No", I said Immediately. I didn't even know what Phil meant with saying 'with me', but I didn't care. I wasn't able to go to sleep. I had too much to think about, it kept me awake all the time.

"Come", he said and holded his hand in front of me. I stared at it a while and shook my head. "You stupid, come", Phil said again. I stood up and I was gonna walk in to my room, when Phil took my hand and pulled me in a hug. I was surprised and couldn't even move. What the fuck was Phil doing? "Go to sleep, now", Phil said and moved away from me. I stared at him and walked to my room, closing the door behind me.

I still wasn't able to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Dan's P.O.V

I thought I could never do this to myself. It was easier than I thought. I did it just like that. I felt pleasure all over my body, I felt like I was high. I had heard people who do this bu I never thought I would become one of them. I know it was wrong, but I didn't care. I was scared that this would become a bad habit. I didn't want that. Cutting was never right, but I couldn't stop myself to do it.

I looked around, there wasn't much blood, just few drops here and there. I got some toilet paper and wiped the blood away. Phil could never know about this. He maybe didn't even care, but I just didn't want him to know that I was pathetic and depressed gay. I stood up and threw the bloody papers in the trash. There was no blood running from my wounds anymore, so I just rolled down my sleeve and stepped out of the bathroom.

"Dan, come look at this!" Phil shouted from the living room. I sighed and placed a smile on my face before I walked over to the livingroom.

"What?" I asked and sat down on the couch, not too close to Phil. I followed his gaze and saw the best scores on the TV screen. I smiled a bit more. "Wow, that's a lot of points", I said and looked back at Phil, who looked so happy. I loved how Phil became happy from that kind of little things. His smile was beautiful.

"I know, I was playing and suddenly I saw the points.I need to save this", he said and I turned my gaze back to the TV. I stood up. "Where are you going? Come play with me, this isn't so fun without you", Phil said. I stared at his eyes again for a while. I smiled at him and sat down again. Maybe I could do this, maybe I could stay just friends with him.

Phil's P.O.V

"Would you like to get some coffee and go to shopping or something?" I asked from Dan after we finished our game. He just shook his head. He says no too often.

"I need to get my video done today, so I could edit it and upload it to youtube", Dan said and stood up. I just nodded and my gaze followed him when he walked to his room. I stood up too and walked to the hall. I grabbed my jacket and left the house. I called to PJ and sked if he couls come to coffee with me and he agreed.

I went to starbucks, and saw that PJ was already there. I ordered some coffee and sat on the table.

"Why are you here already?" I asked and PJ jsut smiled. I wasn't even expecting any answer. "So, I wanted to talk to you", I confessed.

"Well what's on your mind today?" PJ asked and put his phone back in the pocket. I stared at my coffee, thinking how I should start. From the beginning with details, or just the short version?

"I wanted to talk to you about Dan. He's not normal" I started and lifted my gaze from the coffee. PJ was waiting for me to tell more. "Few days ago he told me something that I wasn't expecting. It came as a surprise, and I kind of yelled at him", I continued and I wasn't proud of what I did. Me ans Dan never fight, and if we do, it's never that bad.

"Why? What would be so bad, that you would yell at Dan?" PJ asked and was even more surprised than I was expecting. "You never yell at anyone, you're always so frienldy and happy."

"Stop it. I didn't know how to react."

"Well what did Dan tell to you?" PJ asked, he was curious, as always. I wasn't sure should I really tell this to PJ. It wasn't his problem, and I didn't know did Dan want me to tell about this to PJ. But PJ was my friend too.

"He said he loves me."

"Well of course he loves you, you love him too, don't you?" PJ said. He just didn't get it.

"No. I mean yes, of course I love him, but not the way he loves me", I said and saw how PJ was just confused, and didn't understand what I was saying. I sighed in frustration. "He loves me, like a boyfriend loves his girlfriend, or in this case like a boyfriend loves his boyfriend", I tried to explain. Pj looked surprised and a litlle scared.

"He what?" he asked. "What did you do? What did you say?" he continued asking, but I was quiet. PJ was scared, but I didn't know why. "Phil, talk to me. I just want to know are you and Dan okay, and what the hell did you do", he said trying to get me to talk.

"Well", I said, but didn't continue. I didn't know what to say. I drank some coffee and tried to clear my throat. "I just yelled at him and he thought I would hate him. And then at the next day he was about to leave me, but I got him to stay, and now he is still not acting normal and I don't know what the hell I should do."

Dan's P.O.V

I stared at my wrists. I wanted to do those litlle lines more, but it sounds stupid. I couldn't. It would be wrong. Totally wrong.

I sighed and took my laptop from my room. I walked to the livingroom and made myself comfortable on the couch. I got my video done, now I just needed to do some edit. Clock was already over nine and Phil wasn't home. He had been gone for over six hours. But it was his problem, not mine, even thought I was just worried.

I heard how the door opened and Phil walked in. I stood up and walked to the hall. Phil didn't seem to be okay. He faltered and tried to keep himself up.

"Phil, what the fuck happened?" I asked and tried to help him to the livingroom. I looked him more closely and I realized the blood running from his head and the black eye. "Were you in a fight?" I asked after I got him to sat down. I smelled the blood and the beer in the air.

"No", he muttered and looked down on his hands, which were also covered in blood. "And I don't need your help, I can survive by myself."

"Are you blind? Can't you see all that blood?" I asked from him and went to the bathroom to get first aid kit. I walked back to the livingroom. "You should go to hospital", I added and sat down next to Phil.

"No. I'm not going anywhere", Phil said stubbornly and shook his head. I sighed and tried to clean Phil's wounds. He leaped back. "It hurts", he muttered. I tried to keep him in place, but it was almost impossible. He couldn't stay still.

Phil's P.O.V

My head hurts. The pain is killing me, from the outside and the inside. I stared at my clean hands. I hadn't do anything, but Dan had. He cleaned me up and tied up my wounds. I just rolled in my pain. It hurt everywhere and the painkillers didn't help. I was in hell.

"Phil, are you okay? Do you want to tell me what happened?" Dan asked. He was sitting next to me on the couch. There were few bloody papers on the floor and the first aid kit was a mess. I shook my head without looking at Dan. "Why can't you talk to me? Do you want me to leave?"

"No!" I shouted immediately and lifted my head up. I looked Dan in the eyes. His eyed were beautiful and his worried face didn't match with the eyes. "I don't want you to leave. Do you still think I hate you? 'Cause I don't."

"Yes you do. I can see that", he said and turned his gaze down. I followed his gaze down to his wrists. I didn't see anything there. I turned my look away. I had these thoughts in my head that I couldn't resist. "I'm going to sleep", Dan said and stood up. I didn't have anything to say, so I just let him go. Now he was sure that I hated him, but I didn't. I-I loved him.


	6. Chapter 6

**_I'm sorry, I took a weekend-free from writing. And I'm not sure can I do much more chapters in this week. I'm just really tired, pretty messed up and just not in the mood for doing this. I'm frustrated and sick of everything right now, and it will probably last this whole week. But I will try to get something in here. Sorry._**

**_-Mari  
_**

Dan's P.O.V

I woke up from nightmare too fast and I tried to catch my breath. I shook my head trying to forget my nightmare and stood up. My eyes were blurry and I rubbed them for a while before walking away from my room to get a shower. I ran into Phil and stopped. He stared at me and looked confused and scared.

"Morning Dan", he said, but I didn't want to talk to him. Yesterday he almost admitted that he hated me, and now he acted like nothing ever happened. I walked to the bathroom and locked the door. I didn't wan to think about Phil, but there was nothing else to think about. I hated myself, just like Phil did. Just like everybody else did.

I came out and walked to my room and dressed up. I was too tired to care about my hair, so I just went to the kitchen to get cereals.

"Dan, I want to talk to you", Phil said and sat down on the breakfast bar with coffee cup on his hands. I didn't want to listen to him. I should really think things trough in my head. This can't go on too long. "Dan, listen to me, I want you know something."

"What the hell is so fucking important that you want to tell me? To the person that you just hate so fucking much? To the person who literally ruined your life?" I almost shouted at Phil. I wasn't sure what I wantd to do anymore. I wasn't sure what I needed to do anymore. Phil stared at me a bit scared.

"Dan, I don't hate you. Why do you always think I do?" he asked from me. I took my coffee, went to the livingroom and sat down on the couch. I turned the TV on and changed the channels for a while. I threw the remote on the floor, I was just frustrated. I drank some coffee and tried to make myself comfortable on the couch. "Dan, tell me what's wrong. I said I don't hate you and you just don't listen to me", Phil said and sat down next to me. He placed his hand on my knee and tried to reach my gaze.

"You wouldn't care", I muttered and tried to avoid Phil's gaze. I took his hand away from my knee and looked at the TV screen. I didn't really care what I watched, I just didn't wan to talk to Phil. That was all.

"But if you ever want to talk, I'm always here", Phil said and stood up. "But would you like to go shopping with me?" he asked. I finally turned my gaze to him. "I just want things to be like they were, and we should really do things together again."

"No, I'm busy. I need to get my new video uploaded for today", I said and stood up. Phil sighed and went to his room. I was too much indoors.

Phil's P.O.V

Maybe I shouldn't do this, or maybe I should. I couldn't decide was it wrong or not. But I couldn't have those thoughts about Dan. He's my best friend, and I don't know what would happen if I would tell him about it.

I shook my head and stepped inside the starbucks. I looked around and saw her sitting in the corner, just waiting. She saw me and smiled. I tried to get a smile on my face and walked over to her.

"Hi Phil, it's lovely to see you again", she said and stood up to hug me. After friendly and awkward hug we both sat down on the table.

"It's lovely to see you too", I said smiling. "It hasn't been long, but I just wanted to talk to you about the last time we met", I said and hoped that Katelyn wouldn't mind if I asked aboyt the kiss. Katelyn looked scared, but tried to smile.

"Yeah, we can talk about it."

"The kiss. What was is about?" I asked. Katelyns gaze went down. She was clearly thinking an answer. "I just wanted to know, 'cause I thought I could get one more of them", I added and smiled more. She lifted her bright eyes to me and smiled.

"Are you serious?" she asked and I nodded. "'Cause I just thought we have something and I wanted to do something about it. Then you called me today and I had no idea what you would say. When I kissed you, you just left me there", she continued and her voice turned to whispering.

"Well, I was just a little confused, and needed time to clear things up in my head. And now I think I know what I'm doing", I said and leaned to kiss Katelyn.

Dan's P.O.V

I felt the tears rolling down on my cheeks. The pain didn't really feel anywhere anymore. Blood was still dripping down from my wrists and I just couldn't stop staring at it. It was so fascinating. The pain reminded me that I was still here. That I was still alive. I wiped the tears away with my sleeve and tried to get the bleeding stop with some toilet paper.

I immediately lifted my gaze to the bathroom door, when I heard Phil coming home. "Oh fuck", I muttered and rolled my sleeve down to cover my cuts. I wiped the blood from the floor with wet toilet paper and stood up. I threw the papers in the trash and looked at myself from the mirror.

"Dan, are you home?" I heard Phil asking from the hall.

"Shit, shit, shit", I muttered and tried to rub my eyes, so it wouldn't look like I've been crying. I unlocked the door and stepped to the hall, where Phil was standing right in front of me. "You came back", I said and tried to smile.

"Yeah, I was just getting coffee with Katelyn", Phil said and I stopped smiling. "Dan-"

"I'm gonna go to my room. I still haven't get my video done", I said and tried to hold on my tears again. I was about to walk to my room, but Phil stopped me.

"Dan, what happened to your wrists?" Phil asked and I followed his gaze down on my wrists. The blood was still running down on my hands and my sleeves didn't cover up it very well.

"Oh, fuck."


	7. Chapter 7

Phil's P.O.V

"Uhm, it's nothing", Dan said, but I didn't believe it. It was clearly something, 'cause there was blood coming from Dan's wrists. I took Phil's hand and rolled up his sleeve without caring that he resisted it. "Stop!" he tried, but I just wanted to know what was wrong.

"Dan, wh-what is this?" I asked as I saw the cuts in Dan's perfect skin. I stared at them terrified. Those little lines, but why? I lifted my gaze to Dan's eyes. "Is this because of me?" I asked.

"Why do you care?" he asked and pulled his hand away. He tried to walk into his room again but I grabbed his hand again. "Phil, please, just let go", Dan said and looked me in the eyes. I shook my head and led him to the livingroom. I placed him on the couch, even though he didn't look at me.

"Dan, don't do this."

"What?"

"This", I said an took Dan's hand again. I rolled the sleeve back up and pointed the cuts in his skin. His head went down and he kept his look on the floor. "Dan, why would you do this? This isn't right. Cutting is never an answer. Never, do you hear me?" I felt how one lonely tear rolled down on my cheek. Dan didn't say a word. I took some breath and tried to calm myself down. "Do you know how hard it is? To watch how you do this to yourself. You hurt yourself and it's wrong. Ju-just stop it, please."

"You think I can just stop cutting?" Dan asked an lifted his gaze to me. "You think I don't have a reason to do this? You think thi is easy to me?!" he shouted me and stood up. "You don't have no idea what I'm going through and what my life is. So please, just stay away from me!" I couldn't stop Dan as he ran into his room. I stood up and followed him to his door, but it was locked.

"Dan, please, I just wanna help you. Let me in please" I tried to say through the door, but all I heard for answer was crying. It broke my heart to hear that. Just Dan crying, and I couldn't even comfort him. I couldn't wrap my arms around him and say that everything's gonna be fine. I couldn't do that 'cause he didn't let me in. "Dan, I promise I don't yell at you. I don't judge you, I promise."

"I want to trust you", I heard Dan's cracked voice. "But I don't."

"What do you mean?" I asked, but Dan was quiet again. I sighed and knocked the door again and again and again, hearing nothing for answer. I continued until my knuckels were numb. Finally I just fell down to the floor, still trying to knock on the door. "Dan, please", I tried to beg as tears run down on my cheeks again. I lost the time of track and fell asleep on the floor.

Dan's P.O.V

I couldn't hear anything anymore behind the door, so I stood up and went to the door. I had a headache and I wanted painkillers. Phil had probably headed to bed already, so I wouldn't run into him in the hall. I opened the door and the first thing I saw was Phil laying on the floor. Sleeping. He looked so cute I wanted to cry. But instead of crying, I walked pass him to the bathroom. I opened the cabinet and took the pillers. I saw my razor blade on the corner of the cabinet. I looked to the hall, where Phil was and sighed. I took the razor blade, but instead of making more cuts to myself, I threw it in the trash. I could try to stop it. I tried to smile myself and took only one pill. Then I walked back to the hall. I needed to get Phil into his room.

"Phil? Phil?" I tried to just wake him like that. But of course, he didn't react. I poke him for a while and he stood up looking pretty messed up and confused.

"Wh-what?" Phil asked immediately and then he realized where he was and who was with him. "Dan", he whispered and before I could say anything, he had already his arms around me. "I'm sorry that I yelled at you", he said, his voice was sad and tired.

"Phil, go to bed", I said and pulled away from the hug. He just shook his head and hugged me again. "Phil, just go to bed, your not helping", I said coldly and pulled away from the hug again. This time I just went to my room and locked the door. I wanted to be happy with Phil, but I knew it was impossible and I needed to do something about it.

Phil's P.O.V

If this keeps going, I will lose Dan. I don't want to lose him. His the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know he loves me, and I love him too, but that could never work out. We have something that I don't wanna ruin. We have friendship that is too precious to be ruined. Not everybody gets this kind of frienship like we do. I can't just go tell him that I love him. Or I could, but then if we would start a relationship and we would broke up, I would never forgive myself that.

I sighed and slouch to my room. Me and Dan should do something fun together. Something that Dan can't resist, something that he loves to do. I smiled a bit and curled up on my bed. Maybe I could change things tomorrow.

I looked at the clock, it was only 10 am. I would have time if Dan is still sleeping. I stood up and went to my closet. I took black skinny jeans and t shirt from there and went to the kitchen. I didn't saw Dan anywhere, so I thought he was in his room. First I made some tea, just because I haven't had a tea for a long time. Then I started to collect all the ingredients on the breakfast bar.

"Phil, what the fuck are you doing? Its only like 10 am" I heard Dan's voice behind me and I turned around smiling. "Could you wash that stupid smirk off your face, you look stupid", he added. Unleast he acted like the old Dan I knew.

"I thought we could do something, like make pancakes together" I said as Dan sat down on the breakfast bar. He shook his head a bit. "Don't you wanna make pancakes with me? I just wanna see you smiling, I want you to be happy."

"No", he said and looked me in the eyes. "I mean, I would love to make pancakes with you, but I don't wan that", he tried to explain, but I just didn't understand. All the time he said that he wanted to do something, but he didn't. How could I understand something like that? "I don't want you to say that. I don't want you to pity me. I don't want that you wanna make pancakes with me only 'cause you you want me to be happy and smiling. You don't put me first, okay? You make pancakes 'cause you're hungry, or 'cause you wanna have fun making them. Not because of me. You understand?" I nodded a bit confused. But I wanted to put him first, I wanted Dan to be happy. "Now, we shall make pancakes", Dan added smiling and stood up.

"Delia Smith recipe is on the table", I said smiling and pointed the little paper on the table.

"Don't worry, I remember that without the recipe", Dan said and started to cook. I smiled and joined him. Finally we were doing something together, and we had fun. Unleast I had, I couldn't tell was Dan just faking all the smiles or not.

Dan's P.O.V

"Well this was fun", I said as I finished my pancakes smiling. I really did had fun. "You wanna do something together, like play video games or watch the TV?" I asked and leaned on the breakfast bar.

"Actually, I was going to get dinner with Katelyn", Phil said and my smile washed away immediately. "Dan, Katelyn is my girlfriend, I can't cancel things with her", Phil added as he saw my face. I dind't know that Phil was dating with Katelyn. I knew Katelyn was Phil's friend, not girlfriend. I stood up and placed my plate in the sink. "Dan, are you jealous?" Phil asked, but I didn't answer. He could find that out. Of course I was jealous, but it wasn't my decision was Phil dating or not.

I walked to the bathroom and took the razor blade out of the trash. I washed it quickly under water and then I stopped. What was I doing? Cutting again? Even though I promised to myself I could try not to. But I needed those little lines, they were keeping me here. Somehow.

"Dan, what are you doing?" I heard Phil's voice from the hall. I didn't think about it all, I cut a deep wound in to my right arms skin, and I tried to not scream. "Dan, stop whatever you are doing now, and open the door", Phil said. I dind't listen. I blocked his voice out of my mind. All I could think right now was the pain and the blood. Fascinating.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Sorry this is short, but I wanted to write something for you.**_

_**-Mari**_

Phil's P.O.V

"It hurts me that you do that", I said and leaned on the door with my other hand. "and I can't be there to stop you. And I can't be there to comfort you, even thought I want to. I want to be there to stop you and I want to be there to comfort you. But it feels like you don't want that. Everytime you go there, in the bathroom and take the razor blade, or whatever you take, on your hands, could you think about things that make you happy and the things that you love. Just think about them and drop the razor blade. Then come out so I can hug you and hold you in my arms. Please", I begged throught the door. Quietly one tear rolled down my cheek . I heard few steps coming towards the door and I stopped leaning on the door.

"If I come out, will you shout at me?" Dan asked through the door.

"No, of course not", I said and then the door opened. Dan's gaze was down at the floor and there was blood all over his arms. He looked vulnerable and few tears rolled down on his face. I pulled him close and hugged him tight. I didn't want to let go.

"How can you do this?" he asked after a while and I pulled away from him. He wiped a few tears from his cheeks and looked at me in the eyes. "How can you be so close to me, after I told you that I love you? Don't you think I'm disgusting or something like that?" he tried to explain, 'cause he knew I didn't understand what he was saying.

"Why would you?" I asked. I wanted to tell him that I love him. I wanted to tell that so badly, but I couldn't. I wasn't as brave as Dan. I was afraid that our relationship wouldn't work out and we would broke up. That would ruin everything.

"Nevermind", he said and went to the livingroom. I stared at the bathroom floor. There was blood. Not just little, but a lot. How can someone do that? Just cut their wrists like it wouldn't hurt. I closed the door, 'cause I didn't want to look at the blood. It was too much blood for me.

"Dan, would you want me to tied up your wounds?" I asked as I walked in to the livingroom, where Dan was staring out of the window. I sat down on the couch next to him.

"Don't you have any plans with Katelyn? You said you were going to dinner with her", Dan said, but he didn't look at me. "It's weird that you pretend to care about me, you pretend to love me. And everytime you're telling me that bullshit again, it breaks my heart", he continued and looked at me with a strange smile on his face. "You're always just making it worse then it already is."

"Dan, I really care about you, you are my best friend. And I'm not telling you any bullshit. I really want you to stop cutting. I really don't want to hurt you-"

"And still you're doing it every day", he cut me in the middle of my sentence. "You hurt me every time you talk about Katelyn. You hurt me every time by just being here, in front of me. 'Cause I know I can't have you and I know that you would never want me. That hurts me more than anything else", Dan said. His eyes were wet, he was about to cry and I knew he tried to hold back the tears. I looked down. I didn't want to see those eyes. They were broken, because of me. They were accusing me. They were everything I didn't want to see when Dan looked at me. "It's torture."

"I'm sorry", I said and tried to look at him in the eyes, but I was scared.

"Like that's going to help me", I heard him mutter quietly. His gaze went to his hands and now he was crying. He was sobbing quietly and I hated to see him like that. I grabbed his hand and pulled him close again. "Don't", he said, but he didn't resist more than that. I wrapped my arms around him again and he buried his face in my shoulder.

"I love you, I really do", I whispered in to his ear. "I love the way you laugh, and I love the way you smile. I love the way your eyes shine bright every time you get excited about something. I love your chocolate brown eyes and your curly hobbit hair. I love the way you make people laugh, I love the way you make me laugh. _I love you_", I said, just trying to calm Dan and myself down. The words just came from my mouth, and I didn't realize what I was saying. Dan stopped crying and pulled away from me.

"Phil, what the fuck do you mean?" he asked gently, a bit confused and scared. I looked him in the eyes, and I was scared too. But then I didn't care anymore. I said it already. I said him that I love him. I moved my hand in to his hair and pulled him closer. I gently pressed my lips against his and kissed him.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Sorry, this chapter isn't much, but I'm afraid that this story will go on too fast.**_

_**-Mari**_

Dan's P.O.V

I felt Phil's soft lips on mine and I felt like I was in heaven. I didn't resist. Why would I resist, when this was the best thing that had ever happened to me? I didn't move at all, I just let my lips dance with Phil's. I was confused, shocked and happy at the same time. I just couldn't believe that I was actually, literally kissing Phil.

"I mean that I love you", Phil said smiling at me, after he pulled away from the kiss. I just couldn't stop staring at him in the eyes. Those blue eyes were something so beautiful that nobody could stop staring at them. Nobody would want to. "Dan, did you hear what I said?" Phil asked and placed his hand on my cheek. I nodded.

"Ye-Yes", I stuttered and tried to clear my mind. I looked down on my hands. Phil's hand moved from my cheek under my chin and he lifted my head up. I felt how I was blushing. "Why?" I asked. I wanted to know what was going on in Phil's mind.

"Well I wasn't thinking like this untill you told me that you love me", Phil said and moved his hand away. I looked down again, just trying to think.

"But why did you kiss that girl? Why did you start dating with Katelyn, if you loved me?"I asked. I was confused, and I didn't understand anything at the moment.

"How do you know about the kiss?"

"I-I saw you in the park that day. I wanted to go for a walk and then I saw you two and your kiss."

"Was that the reason why you wanted to move out?" Phil asked and I nodded. He sighed and grabbed my hand in his. "I'm sorry. I would never want you to move out, never, do you understand me?" Phil asked and tried to look me in the eyes. I nodded and avoided his gaze. "Dan, please say something", Phil said and his voice sounded vulnerable.

"It doesn't sound right that you fall in love with me in just two days. It doesn't make any sense. How could you fall in love with someone like me? I'm nothing like you, you could get someone so much better", I said and finally looked Phil again. He looked confused, just like me. He was so beautiful, so adorable, so cute. Everything I wasn't. Everything I could never be. Even though I wanted to be like him. I wanted be perfect like him.

"Dan, I love you. Nobody can't be better to me than you. I could never get anyone better than you. You are perfect to me, do you hear me?" Phil tried but I didn't listen to him. I had so many things going through my mind and I couldn't focus only one of them. I tried to get myself together, now is not a good tim for nervous breakdown. "Dan, do you hear me?"

"No", I said and looked up at Phil. I started to feel dizzy, and I wanted to throw up. I realized that my arms were still bleeding and I tried to get up, but I just fell down on the couch again.

"Dan, are you okay? What's wrong?" Phil asked and his eyes were filled with worry.I just shook my head and tried to get up again. My hands and legs were shaking, but I stayed up. Phil tried to support me with his hands and I leaned on him.

"Phil, I think I've lost a little blood", I said and tried to keep myself up. Phil looked at my arms even more worry in his eyes. He placed me on the couch and grabbed the first aid kit. I closed my eyes, still not feeling any pain. Actually, I felt pleasure from the blood running down my arms. It was fascinating, again.

Phil's P.O.V

"Dan, I need to know that you are alive, please talk to me", I said as I tried to stop the bleeding. There was too much blood, everywhere, and I hated it. I didn't like blood at all, especially that much blood. I tried to get my thoughts focus on Dan, and getting him better.

"Like what?" Dan asked. His voice was tired, and I knew he didn't want to talk. He was too tired, he didn't have energy to do that.

"Anything", I said and tried to clean the wounds. It was nothing like when I got beaten. I didn't lost that much blood and I didn't really care. Now I cared, 'cause there was Dan bleeding. My best friend, the person that I love more than anything else.

"It doesn't really hurt that much", Dan said and I motioned him to keep talking. "It actually feels good. Better than good. I don't know why, but I think it is fascinating and beautiful. That's the reason I did it. 'Cause I liked it. And I wanted to release the pain from loving you. I thought it was wrong and I couldn't have those thoughts and feelings. It was easier than I thought. And you didn't see them, untill yesterday. I thought they were easy to hide. Those beautiful little lines on my skin, they were my escape", Dan kept talking with his tired voice. I got my job done and now I was just listening Dan. "I didn't understand the meaning of cutting untill I started to do it to myself. I don't recommend this to anyone, I just found my hope from it. From cutting." I sat down right next to Dan and pulled him close to me.

"Please don't do it again", I whispered as Dan buried his head on my chest. I kissed his hair and let him cuddle as close to me as possible. "I don't want you to cut. I don't like that you hurt yourself. There is so much better things you could do instead of cutting", I was still whispering. I felt how tears started to roll down on my cheeks. Dan looked up on me and wiped the tears away with his slightly bloody hands.

"Don't cry", he said. He looked like a little baby. And I could take care of him. I smiled between my tears. "I don't want to see you crying. I like your smile more than the tears", Dan continued with his tired voice. I played with his hair and tried to smile.

"You're gonna pass out soon", I said and Dan shook his head. "You really should rest."

"Can I sleep in here? In your arms?" he asked and I nodded smiling. He was so cute, and I could watch him sleeping. But I had things to do. I moved carefully, and realized that Dan was already sleeping. I placed Dan's relaxed body on to the couch and stood up. I walked to the hall and took my jacket and ran out of the door. I took my phone out of my pocket and I called to Katelyn. She answered quickly.

"Katelyn, I need to talk to you."


	10. Chapter 10

Phil's P.O.V

I stared at the table and I was nervous. My leg was shaking and I felt I was sweating. I never liked breaking up with someone, and usually I didn't break up, they left me. But I didn't care.

"Hi Phil", I heard Katelyn's voice and I lifted my gaze trying to smile at her. I stood up and we hugged. Then we both sat down at the table. "So you wanted to talk with me, is it something serious?" she asked and I tried to stop my leg shaking.

"Uhm, I don't really know how to tell you this", I said trying to think how I should start. Katelyn stared at me and she was confused. She was waiting. "We shouldn't date", I said. I was scared how Katelyn would react.

"Wh-why?" she asked. "Did I do something? Is it because I'm too exciting about dating you? 'Cause I really am and I-"

"No, it's not because of you. It's because of me", I said and Katelyn stopped talking. She was staring at me again. It would be awkward to tell her that I'm gay. Or bi, what ever I am. "It's just not good time for me to date", I said.

"I knew it. It's because of me", Katelyn said and stood up. Now I was confused. "You don't have to lie to me", she said and I realized that she was crying.

"Katelyn, listen to me", I tried to say, but she was already gone. I sighed and my gaze went down again. "Well done Phil, that went good", I said to myself. I'm never good at breaking up with people. I can't never find the right words for that. Always I say something wrong and they start to hate me.

Dan's P.O.V

I opened my eyes and looked around me. Phil wasn't here. Was that all a dream? Phil doesn't love me? I looked at my arms, they were tied up. Did I do that? What hapened? I stood up and looked around me again.

"Phil, are you home?" I asked, but I didn't hear any answer. So it was all a dream. If it wasn't, Phil would be here and I would be cuddling with him on the couch. But he wasn't and it was all just a dream. "Just a dream", I whispered to myself and went to the bathroom. I stared at the floor. There was blood everywhere, but I didn't care. I locked the door and fell down on the floor. All I ever dreamed about was always only a dream. And it would always stay that way. I grabbed the razor blade on my hands.

I lifted my gaze to the door when I heard Phil coming home. I never saw him leaving. When did he leave? When I was sleeping? I didn't know and I didn't care. I looked at the razor blade again. I started to roll off the bond and I got scared a bit when I saw my wrist. It was all messed up, bloody, filled with cuts, those little lines.

"Dan, where are you?" I heard Phil's voice coming from the hall. I shook my head, trying to focus. There was dried blood on the cuts, but I wanted to see new blood. This habit was the worst habit ever, but I couldn't stop it. "Dan, are you in the bathroom?" Phil asked. I heard him knocking on the door.

"Yes, I'm here", I said and tried to sound calm. I cut a little line on my skin again and again. I sighed with relief.

"Dan, could you come out?"

"Why?"

"Just come." I stood up carefully and looked around. Phil could never see the blood, bathroom was all messed up, just like me. I grabbed some toilet paper and tried to clean the new blood away. "Dan, come out please."

"Wait a second", I said and threw the papers in the thrash. "Oh fuck", I muttered. I didn't have long sleeves and Phil would see my cuts again. Not again. Yesterday was already too much. "I-I can't come out", I said in panic. How would Phil react when I've been cutting again?

"Why? What have you done?" he asked. He knew. Of course he knew what I was doing. He is not stupid or anything like that. I sighed and tried to get myself together. Then I slowly opened the door and looked down. I didn't want to see Phil's face. "Dan, why did you do that?" Phil asked and grabbed my hand in his. I pulled my hand away and walked pass Phil to the kitchen. "Dan!" Phil shouted and followed me in the kitchen. I poured myself some coffee and sat down at the breakfast bar.

"Please don't shout at me", I said and stared at my coffee. Phil sat down too.

"I don't, shout at you if you tell me what's wrong", Phil said and grabbed my hand again. I lifted my gaze to Phil and pulled my hand away, again. "Dan, why don't you talk to me? Please talk to me and tell me what's going on. I can't help you if you don't talk to me", Phil said and I saw how worried he was. I didn't like it.

"Stop worrying about me. I can take care of myself", I said coldly and drank some coffee, trying to keep myself calm. It wasn't so easy and maybe coffee didn't help me, but I wanted to drink something.

"But I want to take care of you", Phil said and he didn't try to grab my hand anymore. I was quiet and stared at the coffee. "I broke up with Katelyn", he said 'cause I was quiet. I lifted my gaze again.

"What, why?" I asked and I was confused.

"You silly, don't you remember anything?" he asked and smiled at me. I shook my head and he dropped his smile. "Don't you really remember anything?" he asked and I shook my head. "What?" he asked.

"I just remember that I was sleeping on the couch and I saw the best dream ever", I said blushing a little bit. I looked my coffee again. "Yo-you don't wanna know", I added and drank my coffee. I stood up and placed the cup in the sink. "What should I remember?" I asked and leaned on the kitchen sink. Phil stared at me for a while and shook his head.

"No-nothing", he said.


	11. Chapter 11

Dan's P.O.V

I walked to my room and closed the door. I shouldn't even dream sabout me an Phil being together. Never. That just breaks my heart again and again, 'cause when ever I wake up, Phil is never there. Phil is never next to me, looking at me in the eyes, saying how he loves me. He will never love me.

I fell down to the floor sobbing, crying. Even the thought of Phil, broke my heart, and I didn't know how long I could take it. How long I can just watch how everyone was happy, and I wasn't. Nobody could fix me anymore.

"Dan, are you okay?" I heard Phil's voice coming from the hall. I heard his steps coming towards the door and I tried to stumble up.

"Don't come in", I said in panic. I fell on the bed and buried my face in to the pillow. "I wanna sleep", I said, but Phil didn't hear me. He opened the door adn walked in, closing the door behind him. "Go away, I don't want to talk to you", I said and looked up at him.

"Just one more thing that I want to say, please?" he said and sat down on the bed.

"Well, what the hell is it?" I asked, but he didn't answer. He motioned me to move to the other side of the bed, and I did. He fell next to me on the bed and turned his face to me.

"Dan, I need to talk to you, again", he said, but I looked away. I wasn't sleepy, but I wanted Phil to go away. Yes, I wanted him to be here next to me, but not this way. He was just my best friend, but I wanted more. "I don't know what is right and what is wrong. I never know the difference. I always want to do the right thing, and now I don't know what is right, and I'm afraid that I do something wrong. You are the most important person in my life, and I'm scared, 'cause I don't know anymore, how to talk to you. You are drepressed, and it's because of me, I know that. But I don't want that you cut yourself, or that you do something else stupid. I want you to know, that nobody is perfect. 'Cause there is no such thing like perfection. But if there is, then you would be perfect, believe me. You have no reason to cut yourself or be depressed. You are still my best friend, and you will be for the rest of our lives." I felt how tears started to roll down on my cheeks.

"Don't do that", I said between my tears. "Don't say that I am perfect, 'cause I'm not. Can't you see all the flaws in me? I'm fucked up", I said and wiped the tears away with my bloody arm. "And you should hate me. I'm gay, I love you the way that you don't. I'm ugly, nobody would never want me, even I don't want me. So, could you please leave me alone?" I asked and tried to hold my tears. I felt Phil's hand on my cheek and he turned me to face him. He wiped my tears away and looked me in the eyes. He smiled and moved even closer to me. Then he pressed his lips against my lips. It felt so familiar. But why?

"Sorry, but I needed to do that. I wanted to do that", Phil said smiling at me after he pulled away from me. I just couldn't stop staring at him in the eyes. What did that mean? "Dan? Say something."

"I-I,wh-what?" I stuttered.

"I love you, and I don't want that you think you are nothing, 'cause you're not. You are really important to me and I can't believe that you think like that. You are gorgeous, and I love you just the way you are", Phil said and I couldn't stop blushing. It felt like all what Phil was saying was true. That he really loves me. But I wasn't sure did he. I felt how tears started to roll down on my cheeks and I started sobbing. They were happy tears.

"That's the most beautigul thing that anyone has ever said to me" I said and tried to smile. Phil pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around me. I tried to stop sobbing and crying. "Are you serious?" I asked quietly.

"Yes, I'm serious and I love you", he said and played with my hair. I smiled and snuggled even closer to Phil. "You still wanna sleep?" he asked. I didn't say anything. I fell asleep quietly and hoped that this wouldn't be another dream.

Phil's P.O.V

I woke up quickly. I saw a nightmare where Dan hated me, and he left me. I looked around and saw Dan sleeping next to me. I sighed with relief and leaned down to kiss Dan on the forehead. He slowly opened his eyes and smiled at me. I looked at the clock.

"Evening", I said as Dan sat up. He rubbed his eyes, looking so cute. "It's 12 pm. already", I added and wrapped my hands around Dan again.

"Is this going to be like this? Cuddling together?" he asked smiling. I kissed him on the cheek. I couldn't resist him, he was so cute. "I mean, we are a couple now, right?" he asked. I was quiet and I pulled away. I didn't know what to say. Nobody knew that I was bi. Or gay, what ever I was. Even I didn't knew that before I had feelings for Dan. "Phil?"

"I guess we are a couple then", I said, but I wasn't sure. Were we a couple now? I didn't want to tell anybody. My dad would probably kill me, he would never accept the fact that his son is gay. Mom maybe would be okay with that, but not dad. Never.

"Phil, are we really a couple?" Dan asked again and I lifted my gaze to him again. "Are you okay?" I nodded slowly.

"I'm fine, just feeling little sick", I said and tried to smile again. He smiled back at me and kissed me on the forehead. Little sick of myself, I guess. I stood up and left Dan in the bedroom and walked in to the bathroom. I wasn't sure what I should do. I could never tell anyone that I'm gay. That would kill me.


	12. Chapter 12

Dan's P.O.V

"Yeah, okay, bye" I said smiling and ended the call. I dranks some coffee from the cup and lifted my gaze to Phil, who looked curious. "It was Chris", I said and Phil smiled, waiting for me to say something more. "And he is coming over with PJ tonight", I added and saw how Phil's smile dropped. "Wh-what?" I asked a bit scared.

"No-nothing, I just", he said, but didn't continue. I sighed and placed my cup down on the breakfast bar.

"Do you want to tell them?" I asked, 'cause I knew what was wrong. Phil acted weird every time I talked about us as a couple, or tried to speak him about telling other people about our relationship. We became a couple only a few days ago, and I didn't want to rush. Especially when Phil didn't want that. I just wanted Phil to be happy.

"No, I don't", he said. I knew the answer already, so it didn't surprise me at all. I nodded and drank my coffee again. "Dan, I'm sorry. I'm just scared, 'cause nobody knows that I'm gay", Phil said, trying to make me feel better.

"You don't have to be sorry. You are ready when you are. I get that", I said without looking at Phil. Of course I wanted to tell about us to everyone. I wanted to tell how much I love Phil, and how happy I am with him. But first of all, I wanted Phil to be happy.

"You don't know, but my dad is homophobic, and he would kill me if he finds out that his own son is gay", Phil said quietly. I lifted my gaze to him again. "I'm afraid that nobody would accept me if they would knew that I'm gay. I'm afraid that everybody would hate me, and I-I don't want that", Phil continued and I saw the fear in his eyes. He turned his gaze down, 'cause he was afraid to look at me in the eyes.

"I accept you, and I'm pretty sure nobody cares that one guy in London is gay" I said. I didn't want that Phil thinks that nobody would accept him. I accept him, and probably our fans wouldn't mind if we were together. "And you shouldn't care about what other people think about you. All that should matter is what you think", I added and smiled a bit. I stood up and left my cup there. I went to the hall and grabbed my jacket. "Phil, are you coming? We need to get something to cook for the evening", I shouted from the hall and smiled when Phil walked behind the corner.

Phil's P.O.V

"What if they know something? What if they know that we are together?" I asked from Dan, and I really started to be worried. Dan laughed a bit and hugged me.

"How could they know about us? We haven't told anybody, and when we were out of the flat, we didn't act like a couple", Dan said calming me down. "And with Chris and PJ, we're not acting like a couple, 'cause you don't want them to know, and I appreciate your decision", he added and kissed me on the cheek. He always knew how to calm me down. I heard the doorbell rang and pulled away from Dan.

"I'll go get it, you take care of the food", I said and pointed to the oven. Then I walked to the lobby and opened the door to see Chris and PJ smiling at me. "Welcome", I said and let them step inside our house.

"Thanks. It's been way too long since we met last time", Chris said and I surprised when he decided to hug me. I smiled back at them both and let them walk in to the livingroom. I was about to walk in to the kitchen to see how Dan was doing, but PJ stopped me.

"So what's with you and Dan?" he asked. I looked at him and felt scared. What the hell was he saying? Did he know about me and Dan? "What did you say to him? I mean, you told me he loves you and I just want to know what you said?" he tried to explain. I nodded thinking what I should answer.

"I said him that we are friends, and he said he understood. So we are still best friends, nothing more", I said and tried to smile a bit, so I didn't look like I was lying, like I was. PJ nodded and smiled at me encouraging. I walked to the kitchen, where Dan was just setting the table. "I can do the rest, you go to entertain our guests", I said and forced him to leave the kithcen. I got the dinner ready and I invited the guys to eat.

"So, can I ask you, what happened to your arms?" Chris asked and pointed to Dan, who was blushing. I felt how Dan's hand was looking for my hand under the table, and I grabbed it squeezing it a little bit. "Or do I just shut up?" he added and smiled. He didn't want to seem too curious.

"No, I just tripped on the stairs and hurt my hands, nothing important", Dan said and smiled a bit. Chris didn't ask about them anymore, and we continued chatting cheerfully. We lost the track of time.

"Oh shit, it's almost half past eleven, we should leave now", PJ said still laughing at Dan, who told how he could have llama sex, but not lamb sex, like he always said. "You are just little bit too crazy", he added, talking to Dan. PJ and Chris stood up and went to the hall. I followed them with Dan and we said our goodbyes to them.

"So we are alone", Dan said smiling at me, when Chris and PJ had left. I smiled back at him and placed my hands on his hips. "And they didn't guess anything", he said and kissed me gently on the lips.

"I just forgot my-", I heard PJ, who didn't end his sentence. Dan and I turned our gazes to PJ, who was at the door, staring at us. I couldn't move. I knew this was gonna kill me. Telling people that I was gay, it just didn't feel right.


	13. Chapter 13

_**Sorry, this is short, but I wanted to do something before the radio show, and this is what I got. **_

_**-Mari**_

Dan's P.O.V

PJ stared at us and I could tell he was surprised. I tried to think something to say, 'cause Phil was clearly in panic. He didn't move, he turned his gaze down on the floor. This was exactly the thing we tried to avoid.

"Yo-you guys are together?" PJ stuttered as I pulled away from Phil. "I mean, I thought you were just friends, like you said, Phil." PJ tried to clear his throat and took his jacket in his hands. I looked at Phil, who was still looking at the floor and I still didn't know what to say. "I'm not against that, I'm just surprised", he added and smiled a bit.

"PJ, what the hell is taking you so long?" Chris asked and came back in the flat. He looked at us all in silent. "What is going on, why are you all so quiet?" he asked and laughed a bit.

"It's nothing", PJ said and placed his hand in Chris shoulder. "Dan is just still embarassed about what he said about that llama sex", PJ said and winked at me smiling. "But we're gonna go now, bye", he added and dragged Chris out of the flat. I closed the door and turned to Phil, who was still staring at the floor. I sighed and pulled him close to me.

"I-I can't", he said and pulled away. He looked up at me and I saw he was crying.

"Calm down Phil. Everything's gonna be fine", I said, but didn't make a move. I knew that Phil would pull away. "PJ didn't say anything to Chris, he won't tell anybody. And who cares if he does? There's only two people in this relationship, and nothing else matters, okay?"

"No!" Phil shouted and ran in to his room. I knew that Phil would never listen to me. He didn't want to tell anybody about us, but I don't want to live in a lie. It broke my heart, 'cause it felt like Phil didn't love me. That he was ashamed of being with me.

I shook my head and went to my room. I looked at myself in the mirror. Of course Phil didn't want people to know about us. Why would anybody date with me in public? I was disgusting and ugly. I felt lonely, again. In that moment I didn't care anymore about telling people that we were a couple. I didn't want to care. I was numb and I wanted to go to sleep.

Phil's P.O.V

I yawned and sat up on my bed. I didn't sleep well, but I couldn't sleep alone anymore. I looked at the clock. It was almost 10 am. I looked around me and realized, that Dan wasn't sleeping with me. Then I remembered what happened last night. I stood up quickly and ran out of my room. I went to Dan's room and saw Dan on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

"Dan" I said and smiled a bit. "I'm sorry about yesterday. I was just in panic, and I didn't know what to do or say", I said and sat down on the bed. "Dan, are you listening?" I asked when Dan didn't make a move. "Dan, what is wrong?" I continued asking, but he didn't answer. He looked like a dead body. I moved my hand on to his neck and tried his pulse. He was alive.

"Nothing, I'm just tired. Could you leave?" he said without looking at me. He looked so calm. I was afraid that if I would leave, he would just drop dead.

"No, I want to sleep with you, 'cause I didn't sleep well", I said and layed down next to him. He still didn't move and I started to be worried. "Dan, what's wrong? Is it about yesterday? I'm sorry, but I am just really afraid of telling people and-"

"Stop", Dan said and cut me off. Now he looked at me and his eyes were filled with fear. He looked so vulnerable, I wanted to cry. "Yes, I'm like this because of yesterday. I don't want this to go on anymore. I don't want this. When I dreamed about you and me together, it was cuddling and kissing and walking hand in hand to the downtown. I didn't want it to be hiding in our flat, being afraid that someone would see us. And this, what ever this is, is not what I dreamed about", Dan said and sighed in frustration. Then he went back to staring at the ceiling. I stared at him, didn't know what to say. "You don't love me", he added.


	14. Chapter 14

Dan's P.O.V

"What makes you think like that?", he asked. I looked at him in the eyes and saw that he was confused. "I love you, you should know that. And I don't want you to think anything else", he continued and placed his hand on my cheek.

"Then why the hell are you so afraid of telling people about us? Are you ashamed of me 'cause I'm so ugly and pathetic? Are you afraid that everybody's gonna hate you?" I almost yelled at Phil. He was afraid and surprised. "I know that you are scared. I was scared too when I told everyone that I was bi. But I did it, I told them the truth. It wasn't easy for me, people bullied me, but I didn't care. I didn't want to care. But I don't think you have to live that. I just think, that maybe you're not scared, that you're just ashamed of me being with the person that you love", I said and turned my gaze to the ceiling, again. I felt how few tears fell down on my cheek, but I didn't care. The memories from school came in to my mind, and I tried to think something else. It didn't work.

"That is exactly what I'm afraid of. That people will hate me, and they will bully me, call me names and all that stuff. I fucking hate that, I've always hated that. An I'm not that kind of person, who can just say I don't care, when ever I want. 'Cause I care. I care about other peoples thoughts about me, and I'm jus so fucking scared what people think", Phil said and I looked at him again. He wasn't himself. "And no, I'm not ashamed of you. You are the most beautiful thing in the world, and I can't believe that you don't think like that about yourself", he added and tried to smiled at me.

"But I love you, doesn't that matter to you at all?"

"Of course it matters, I just-"

"Then please, do it for me? I know that this is a lot to ask, but I just don't want to feel like shit anymore", I said and pulled Phil closer to me. "I want you to be happy, and I know that sometimes making you happy, makes me feel crappy, but usually I don't care. But now I kind of care, 'cause making you happy right now, is making me feel extra crappy", I said and looked at Phil's beautiful blue eyes. They were deep as ocean, cold as ice. And they were nothing less than beautiful. I smiled again and pulled Phil into a kiss. He pulled away quickly.

"I don't want you to feel extra crappy. I don't want you to feel crappy at all", he said almost in panic. "I know that I'm a coward, and idiot, but I can't tell anyone about us. I'm sorry, I can't", he said.

"Leave, please", I said, but Phil didn't move at all. "Just get the hell out of here!" I yelled and pushed Phil off the bed. "Go, I don't want to see you right now! Leave!" Phil stood up from the floor and stared at me. "Get the fuck out of here!" I continued and stood up. I pushed Phil out of my room and closed the door. I locked it and fell down on my bed again. I started crying and sobbing. I thought Phil loved me, but it was all just an act. He never loved me, and never will.

Phil's P.O.V

"Dan, come out, so we can talk!" I tried, but I knew it wouldn't help. He had been in his room for over 24 hours, and I didn't know how to get him out. "Please Dan, you have to come out. I made you some pancakes, and I can buy some Maltesers for you, if you just come out. I'll do anything, if you just come out, please. I miss your voice. I miss your smile. I want you here with me", I said and felt how few tears fell down on my cheeks again. I lifted my gaze from the floor to the door, when I heard steps coming towards it. But the door didn't open. Dan didn't come out.

"We are not a couple", I heard Dan's quiet voice through the door. "Let's do it your way. 'Cause you don't want to be a couple, we are not a couple. We just need to forget everyhting that happened last week. We need fresh start", he continued.

"Dan, I don't want that, I-"

"Let me just talk", he cut me off and I decided to be quiet. "I love you, more than anything else. I thought it was wrong, untill you told me that you love me too. Before that, I was fucking sad and depressed, but after that, I was happier than ever. I thought it would last forever, but it didn't. I started to think. Were we ever a couple? Was I just so pathetic, that you had to lie to me? I realized, that you really don't love me, you never did and you never will. I don't need you to lie to me. I don't need you at all. I need someone who really cares, someone that really loves me. And I know that I will never get anyone like that. No one would ever care about me and no one would never love me. I know that. I can live with that. But I don't want to live in your lie. I don't want people to lie to me so I would be happy. The truth wouldn't hurt as much as knowing that the people you love lie to you all the time. So, we are not a couple, I don't think we are even best friends anymore. We are just flatmates, and we were never anything more than that", Dan said and I couldn't do anything else but listen. I tried to hold on my tears, but it was impossible.

"Dan, don't say that. I don't want that."

"That's all you get" he said coldly and the door opened. He didn't look at me, but I saw the tears. He walked to the bathroom and closed the door. I stumbled up and went to the bathroom door.

"Is this what it's going to be? That we don't even talk?" I asked and held the tears. "'Cause I would love to talk to you. I love you and-"

"Shut up, you don't love me!" Dan yelled. "And yes, this is what it's going to be, so shut the fuck up", he added and I heard how Dan fell down on the floor, and he cried. I didn't want to hear that from the person that I love.

_Few days later._

"I can't fucking stand this anymore!" I shouted at PJ. I didn't care that some people at the cafe stared at us. "He doesn't talk to me, he doesn't even look at me! He's never even in the same room with me. It kills me, and I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried everythinh", I said and held my tears again. I looked PJ in the eyes and he stared at me back. He was thinking.

"What scares you the most about telling people that you are gay?" he asked. "I mean, theres's nothing wrong with being the person you are. Telling the truth just shows how strong and brave you are", he said and my gaze went down. Now I was thinking. What would be a good answer?

"People will judge me easily. People will stop watching my videos. People start to hate me, and I will lose everything I love."

"But you love Dan, and you wouldn't lose him", PJ reminded, but I didn't really listen. "And if someone really wants to judge you, you shouldn't give a fuck about that person. You should enhoy your life, and not be a miserable depressed piece of shit", PJ said. I was surprised by his language, but he had a point.

"So, what do you suggest?" I asked and hoped that PJ had a plan. He always has plans and tey're always really good plans. He is always the person I can trurt and the person that gives advices.

"I suggest hat you go home and make a video, where you tell you are gay. Or bi, I don't really know. And then you edit it and upload it in youtube. Then you show it to Dan and tell him that you really love him. That's what I suggest", he said. He had clearly thought this a lot more than I expected. I smiled at him.

"That's a very good plan, thanks PJ", I said and stood up. "I gotta go, bye!" I said and left the cafe. I ran home smiling. In there Dan was watching TV, and I decided to leave him alone. I went to my room and made a quick script, before I turned the camera on and shot the video. I didn't edit it. I watched the video again and again, trying to think was this the right thing to do. Was I really ready to tel the truth?

I shook my head. I didn't want to be a coward anymore. I just uploaded it on youtube, and that took me more time than I thought. Youtube was surprisingly slow, but I continued waiting. "That's what I'm talking about", I muttered, when the video was finally uploaded. I looked at the clock. It was almost 12 pm. I took my laptop and ran out of my room. Dan was still in the livingroom, but this time he was playing skyrim. I sat next to him on the couch and he paused the game immediately. "Dan, please, just look at this. After this you can leave, just watch this", I begged and placed the laptop in front of Dan.

Dan's P.O.V

I stared at the screen for a while. There was a new video from Phil. The name of the video was "The truth". I decided I could watch it. It wouldn't be that bad.

"Hey guys", Phil started the video. "I know, it's been a bit quiet and I want to explain that to you. I don't really know how to put this in words, and I probably fuck this up, but I don't really care. I always think what other people think about me. I care about what you think, and I listen to you. I never really listen to myself anymore, but I think it's time to go my own way again. I've lost the most important person in my life, just because I'm a coward, and I don't know how to tell the truth." I looked at Phil, who was staring at me. I turned my gaze back to the screen, where Phil was quiet for a moment. "I love Dan, more than anything in this world and I know he loved me too. I don't know, does he love me anymore, 'cause I was afraid of telling people about us. That was our problem, and now he doesn't even talk to me anymore. I don't know, does this change anything, but I just wanted to prove Dan, that I love him, and I don't care what other people think. Oh shit, this feels weird. But yeah, bye guys", Phil ended the video, but I continued staring at the screen. I held my tears.

"Phil", I said, but didn't continue. I didn't know what to say. I was speechless.

"Dan, please say something. Do you want me to delete this? Was this not a good idea?" Phil asked me, but all I could do was shook my head. I turned my gaze to Phil and tried to smile a bit. Phil placed the laptop on the floor and stared at me, waiting.

"Phil, I love you", I said and moved my hand on Phil's neck. "And I don't want to lose you ever again", I added and kissed Phil gently on the lips.


	15. Chapter 15

_**Sorry, this is short again, but I thought I just needed to upload this.**_

_**-Mari**_

Dan's P.O.V

"You didn't have to do it", I said quietly and played with Phil's hair. His head was resting on my chest and we were sitting on the couch. He looked up at me. "You didn't have to tell to the whole world. First just friends and family, and then to the fans. But it doesn't mind, we just took at huge step in our relationship", I explained and smiled at Phil.

"I can always delete that video, if you want", Phil said and looked down again. I sighed and continued playing with my boyfriend's hair. "I don't regret it, but I'm just a little afraid what comments there will be and what people will say in twitter", he continued.

"There's nothing to be afraid of."

"I had to put my phone on silent, because everybody is asking about the video", Phil said and I heard fear in his voice. "There's over ten calls from my mom and I really don't want to talk to her. What if she tells that my dad has had a heart attack beacsue he heard that I'm gay?" Phil was clearly in panic. I pulled him closer and wrapped my other arm around him. The other one was still playing gently with his hair.

"Phil, calm down", I whispered in to his ear. "You can decide when you want to talk to her, when ever you are ready. But let's not think about that right now. I just wanna hold you here and think that this could last forever", I said and smiled at Phil. He pulled away and kissed me gently.

Phil's P.O.V

"I-I-I don't think I can do this", I stuttered and walked back and forth in the kitchen. Dan was sitting on the breakfast bar, watching how I was having a nervous breakdown. "Dan, I can't do this!" I shouted and stopped. Dan stared at me, and I stared at him. He shook his head a bit.

"Like I said, when ever you are ready. I'm not gonna tell you when, you decide that by yourself", Dan said, but it didn't help me at all. I started walkin back and forth again, trying to think should I call, or not. Finally I decided it would be easier to just call her.

"Phil, oh my god, you don't even know how worried I've been. Didn't you see that I called many times? Are you okay?" mom started asking questions. I sighed and sat down next to Dan. He looked at me, waiting.

"Mo-mom, I'm fine."

"Oh good, I started to be worried", she said and I heard a sigh of relief. Then she didn't say anything for a moment. "Do you want to explain me something?"

"Does dad know?" I asked and I was in panic, again. I tried to calm myself down a bit, so I looked at Dan. It helped. "Please tell me he doesn't know anything. He hates me, right?" I asked.

"I was going to warn you, but you didn't answer to the phone."

"Warn me? Mom, what are you talking about?" I was in panic and looking at Dan in the eyes, didn't work at this time. I grabbed Dan'd hand and now he was a bit scared.

"Your dad is coming over, he said he wants to talk to you", she said. I was speechless. There were many things running through my mind, but nothing came out of my mouth.

"What is it?" Dan whispered, but I just shook my head.

"I tried to stop him, but he was angry and didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, he left hours ago, isn't he there yet?" she asked and the doorbell rang. I dropped my phone and looked at Dan.

"Phil, what's wrong?" he asked and looked at the door.

"M-my dad is coming over", I said.


	16. Chapter 16

Dan's P.O.V

"I can get that", I said and stood up. Phil squeezed my hand and then let go. He was afraid, but I had no idea what I should expect. I walked to the door and opened it smiling.

"Where the hell is Phil?" Phil's dad asked and pushed me away. He walked to the kitchen and I closed the door. "What the hell were you thinking?" I heard Phil's dad's voice from the kitchen. I ran there, and Phil was staring at the floor. "You thought I would love to hear that my son is gay, from my own neighbour?" he yelled.

"Hey, mr. Lester, It's not Phil's-"

"Say Charlie", he cut me off and I knew he was angry. "And you just shut up, this is not your business" he continued and turned his gaze back to Phil. "Phil, look at me. My son is not gay."

"Actually, it is my business, Phil is my boyfriend", I said and moved closer to Phil, who didn't say anything. He was scared and stared at the floor. "And you can't talk to him like that, his your son. Think about that", I said and now Charlie was angry. He turned his gaze to me again.

"You are not making this any easier. 'Cause you don't shut up, maybe I should shut you up. You just don't know what to say and when to say", he said and took a few steps towards me. He took a hold on my collar and threw me on to the kitchen wall. I didn't expect that. I fell on the floor and everything came a bit blurry.

"Dan!" I heard Phil's voice and the steps coming towards me. "Dad, what the fuck? You can't just throw people on the wall!" Phil yelled and knelt down to check on me. I sat up and I felt a little pain in my head and in my ribs. "Dan, are you okay? I'm sorry", Phil said and tried to help me to stood up. I nodded and looked at Charlie. "Dad, please go away, I don't want to talk to you", Phil said at him.

"You want me to beat him up? Do you know how it feels to know that you're son is gay? Oh well, since you're gay, you can never know that", Phil's dad looked like he was going to explode.

"I'm your son, doesn't that matter to you?"

"I don't have a gay son", Charlies said and left the flat. I stared after him for a while and then I looked at Phil, who was sitting on the breakfast bar, crying. I wrapped my arms around him.

"Phil, everything is okay", I said trying to comfort him. He pulled away.

"He threw you on the wall and you think everything is okay?" he almost shouted at me. I sat down next to him and looked at him in the eyes. "I'm sorry, it's my fault. I knew that he would never accept me. I knew it. But I didn't know that he would hurt you, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" Phil said and continued apologizing untill I shut him up with a kiss.

"Phil, I'm fine, really. It doesn't even hurt that much. Only little pain on my ribs, nothing bad", I said as I pulled away and tried to smile. The pain did really kill me inside, but I tried to smile because of Phil. "Don't worry, it's not your fault that your dad is like that. It's his fault, believe me", I continued as Phil stared at me, still crying and sobbing.

"I don't want to see you hurt. I know it hurts when someone throws you on the wall. Should we go to the hospital?" he asked and tried to wipe the tears away, even though there was more tears still coming. I shook my head.

"No, I just wanna be here, home, with you", I said and grabbed Phil's hand. I dragged him to the livingroom. I sat down on the couch and Phil sat down next to me. "Is he coming back? Your dad?" I asked and rested my head on Phil's shoulder.

"I don't know. He hates me, he said that I'm not his son anymore and now I feel like shit", Phil said. "Now that I know how dad feels about this, I think everybody thinks like that. Everybody thinks that I'm disgusting and I should delete my youtube account."

"No, nobody hates you. Your dad doesn't hate you, he just doesn't know how to deal with this. And to be honest, biggest part of our fans has been waiting for this, that Phan will be real", I tried to comfort Phil a bit. "And if you want to delete your account, it's your decision. But I hope that you know how your fans feel if you delete it", I continued. I was still holding his hand and I squeezed it a little.

"I haven't looked at the comments of the video yet", he reminded. I looked at him in the eyes and smiled. "And I don't want to see them yet", he added and kissed me. His gently lips danced on mine, but then my phone rang. "Don't answer", Phil said and kissed my neck. I laughed and pulled away.

"I have to", I said and pulled my phone out of my pocket. It was PJ. "Hi", I said and looked at Phil, who stared at me, waiting for me to hung up the call.

"I saw the video, has Phil saw the comments yet?" PJ asked.

"No, are they bad? 'Cause Phil is a bit afraid that everybody hates him", I said and bit my lip.

"No, nothing like that. They're all really happy for him, and they don't want him to be scared", he said and I smiled at Phil. I knew that the fans loved Phil, no matter what. "But that's not the reason I called. Are you guys ready to go to your first party as a couple?" he asked, and I knew he was excited. "It's tonight, at our house. I know it's soon, but I want you guys to come there, everybody will be there."

"PJ, calm down, I need to ask what Phil thinks", I said and put my phone down for a while. "Phil, PJ is having a party tonight, you wanna go? He really wants us to be there, don't know why, but what do you think?" I said at Phil, who looked confused.

"A party? I-I don't know, tonight?" he stuttered. He was scared, I knew it.

"If you don't wanna go, we are not going."

"No, I wanna go. Say him that we are coming", Phil said and tried to smile. I smiled back at him and placed my phone on my ear again.

"We are coming", I said.

"Great! At nine o'clock in here, my place, see you soon, bye" PJ said and hung up. I dropped my phone on the coffee table and looked at Phil again.

"So, where were we?" I asked and kissed Phil gently.


	17. Chapter 17

**_I know, that there are several grammar issues, but I am from Finland, and my native language is not english, I'm sorry. But I'm trying the best I can and I hope that you can still read this. Thanks for the comments._**

**_-Mari_**

Dan's P.O.V

"I feel uncomfortable", Phil said and looked at the floor. He was nervous and scared, I knew it. "What if people will stare at us?" he asked, but didn't look at me.

"Phil please, forget those thoughts. Let's just have fun", I said smiling and moved my hand under Phil's chin. I lifted his face a little and kissed him. "I wanna have fun with you tonight. Do you wanna have fun with me?" I asked after I pulled away from him. He smiled and nodded. I grabbed his hand and walked out of our flat.

"This feels kind of weird, 'cause we haven't been out of our flat as a couple before", Phil said and leaned on my shoulder as we walked towards PJ's apartment. I was happier than I ever thought I could be.

"You'll get used to it", I said.

Few hours later.

"So, what do you think? Was this a bad idea to come here and have a little fun?" I asked from Phil, and sat down next to him.

"I'm not sure yet. The music is okay, the drinks are even better, and the people aren't that bad. They are actually pretty nice", Phil said and smiled. I loved it when he smiled, it made me happy. "I think I can get used to this", he added and moved a bit closer to me. He didn't seem to be afraid anymore.

"I knew you would like it in here." I grabbed Phil's hand and looked at him in the eyes. Phil looked around him and suddenly he froze. "Phil? What are you staring at?" I asked and followed his gaze to a girl, who stared at Phil. She was Katelyn.

"Wh-what is she doing in here?" he asked, but didn't look at me. I didn't know what to do or what to say. "Dan, why is Katelyn here?" he asked, but he couldn't get his eyes off of her.

"I don't know. But don't worry, I'm sure she's not here because of you. If you don't want her to bother you, don't talk to her", I said and stood up. "Wait here, don't talk to her, I'll be back soon. I'll just get some drinks for us", I said and kissed Phil quickly.

"You can't leave me alone", Phil said and now he looked at me.

"I'll be back soon, I promise. Just wait here", I said and smiled. There was a lot of people in a really little apartment. I walked to the kitchen, where PJ was making more punch for the people. "Hi, PJ, great party", I said smiling, and PJ turned his gaze to me.

"Oh, yeah, I know. Chris helped me. Do you know where he is by the way?" he asked and looked around. I followed his gaze, finding nothing more than drunk people. Then I shook my head.

"No, sorry", I said and took two beer bottles, that were on the table. "Maybe he is dancing there somewhere, but we just can't see him", I said and PJ laughed a bit.

"That would not surprise me", he said smiling and looked at me again. "So, how are you guys doing? Phil seems to be fine. He's not scared, isn't he?

"No, he is not. Or that's what I think. He's dealing with this very good actually. He's now maybe a bit nervous, 'cause his ex-girlfriend is here", I said and sighed. I didn't really know what to do. I knew Phil was scared because of her, but I didn't want her to ruin our night.

"His ex? What? I don't even know half of these people", PJ said and looked around. I nodded a bit and looked around again, trying to find her, but she was out of my sight. "Who is she? What is her name?" PJ asked.

"She is just this Katelyn, but don't worry, I don't think that's gonna be a problem", I said and stood up. "But I think Phil is already waiting for me", I said and PJ waved me quickly. I walked through the livingroom and then I saw it. Phil was sitting on the couch and Katelyn was on top of him, her lips were only inches away from Phil's. I dropped the beer bottles on to the floor and tears started to roll down on my cheeks.

"Dan, wait", Phil said and pushed her off of him. I turned around and ran out of the apartment, out to the cold. I didn't even take my jacket, I just wanted away from there.


	18. Chapter 18

Dan's P.O.V

"Dan, wait!" I heard Phil's voice, but I just tried to walk faster. I wanted to go home, I wanted this to be over. The pain was killing me. It felt like my heart was broken, and it could never be fixed. "Dan, listen to me!" Phil shouted and I stopped. I turned around and Phil stopped too.

"I know what I saw", I said and tried to hold my tears, but it was almost impossible. "Don't try to deny it. I know it was stupid to think that you would love me. Of course you didn't broke up with Katelyn. And it was stupid to believe your lies. I'm so fucking stupid! You never wanted me, like I thought you wanted. You never loved me, like I thought you loved. You never cared about me, like I thought you cared. I fucking love you with all my heart and I thought I could finally be happy, with you. But I guess I'm just so fucking stupid that I had to believe you. I fucking hate you and you're lies!" I yelled and started to walk towards our flat again. I tried to calm myself down, but it was impossible. Everything was impossible when your life was falling apart. I was soon in our flat and I heard Phil's steps from the stairs. I went to my room and locked the door.

"Dan, please, listen to me", Phil said from the hall and knocked on the door. I fell on the bed and cried in to the pillow. "It wasn't like that, she just came and I tried to push her away, but she was too strong! Nothing happened!" he tried and knocked on the door again and again.

"Go away! I don't wanna hear about it!" I yelled and tried to stop crying. Why everything has to be this hard? Why life can't be just easy and I could live my life without breaking my heart everytime I look at someone?

Phil tried to explain things for hours. In the morning, it was quiet, and I felt empty. I couldn't even cry anymore. I didn't sleep at all, and my mind was just repeating everything I saw last night. Phil and Katelyn together, Phil and Katelyn together. That was all I could think. All I could ever think again. I stared at the ceiling, showing no emotions at all. I didn't know what to do. I felt empty, like I could never feel anything else again.

_Few days later._

I stared at the paper, thinking was it good or not. Was this really my solution? I really was a fucking coward. I wrote my signature at the end of the paper and then I placed the paper on my bed. Istared at it for a long time. Maybe even hours. I didn't care. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted this to be more perfect than anything I've ever done. Actually nothing, that I've ever done, hasn't been perfect.

I heard the door open and I looked up. I heard Phil's steps, but they were not coming towards my room. I sighed in relief and decided I could film my last video now. It maybe wouldn't be the best video, but it would still be a video. My last video.

Phil's P.O.V

I placed the pizza in the oven and went to the livingroom. I sat down on the couch and took my phone out of my pocket. I wanted to call to PJ.

"Hi."

"Hi PJ. You remember what I told you about Dan, and you remember what advice you gave me?" I asked and bit my lip. I wanted this to be perfect, for Dan.

"Yes, of course I remember. Is it working? Did Dan come out of his room? Is he speaking to you?" PJ asked, and I heard hope in his voice. I smiled a bit, for the thought, that this could really work. Then I shook my head.

"No, not yet. I just put the pizza in the oven. Should I wait untill it's ready? Or should I try to get Dan out of his room already?" I asked. There was a little silent moment. PJ was thinking. He was always thinking.

"Well, it depends, how long it will take to get him out of his room?" he asked. I looked at Dan's rooms door. I knew it wouldn't be easy.

"I don't know, should I go get him now?"

"Maybe, I'm not sure", he said and. "Yeah, maybe you should go get him now, that would be better" he said.

"Yeah, maybe you're right. Thanks, bye", I said and hung up the phone. I stood up and went to Dan's door.

Dan's P.O.V

I lifted my gaze to the door, when I heard how Phil knocked on it.

"Dan, I made some pizza, would you like to come and eat with me?" he asked, and I shook my head. It wasn't a good time for eating. "I really want you to come and eat with me. We could talk, and I could see your smile", Phil continued. I tried to erase his voice from my mind. I didn't want to hear him, I didn't want to hesitate at all.

I pointed the gun on my forehead and cried my last tear. For Phil.

"I love you", Phil said quietly, but it was alrady too late. I had already pulled the trigger.

**_I know this is sad, but it's not over._**

**_-Mari_**


	19. Chapter 19

Phil's P.O.V

_Few days later._

I was still running through things in my head. I couldn't get rid of the sound of the gun. The nights were the worst. The nightmares about Dan, just killing himself. I hated to see that, and I always woke up when I heard the gun.

I shook my head and drank some coffee again, trying to keep myself up. I stared at the paper. It was Dan's suicide letter, and I didn't want to open it. I wasn't sure, did I want to know why Dan killed himself. I knew it was about me. And I hated myself because of that. I loved him, and I didn't have the time to tell that to him anymore.

I shook my head again, I wanted to focus. I opened the paper folds and started to read.

_"Phil, I want to make this simple._

_I don't want to blame anybody, 'cause right now, dying is a gift for me._

_I wanted to tell you, for the last time, that I love you, forever."_

It was simple. I was waiting for accuses and thoughts about what he felt. But it was just simple two sentences. Nothing more. Actually I didn't want to read nothing more. I wanted to go back in time, and tell him how much I love him. I wanted to go back in time, hug him and never let go. But now he was gone, forever. And I should accept that fact. Nobody wants me to be sad.

I burst in to tears. I stood up and left the paper on Dan's bed. I went to the bathroom and took some sleeping pills from there. Then I went back in Dan's room. I ate all the pills from the little bottle, 'cause I didn't want to wake up anymore. I took a pen and wrote under Dan's writing. I layed my head down on the pillow. I fell asleep quickly, and never woke up. I wrote at the paper the last thing I ever wanted to say.

_"Dan, I love you too, forever."_

_The End._

_**I didn't mean to make this so sad. I actually cried while I made this chapter. I don't know why. I hate myself, because I made this so sad. I'm sorry. But thanks for all the comments, I promise I will make something new about Phan. Somethig that will not be as sad as this. Bye.**_

_**-Mari**_


	20. Chapter 20

_**Okay, so I got my new story in here. It's called 'Everything's meant to be broken', and I hope it's something that you like. Please check it, thaks.**_

_**-Mari**_


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